The Pain of A Fatherless Woman!

While preparing to start a small group for women in 2006, I spoke with my pastor at the time for approval and one of the topics he gave me to discuss with women was how to heal as an adult woman when your father was absent in your life as a child and through adulthood. He stated that this was a huge portion of hurt in women and young adults. After much research and discovery through conversations with several women, I discovered this was a lot more common than I could have ever imagined. Not only were the fathers physically absent, some were present and still absent due to busy work schedules, inability to communicate or show emotional support to their daughters.

I have had disappointment in my life as a little girl with expectations for my father that wasn’t met; however he wasn’t absent in my life growing up. As a matter of fact, I truly enjoyed my relationship with my dad. It was a relationship I yearned to have for years and never got tired of it until I became a teenager with dating opportunities at my grandmothers house. This is another topic for another blog.

My dad spent many moments with me. We rode the motorcycle together when he had one. We had talks while driving down the road to our destination. I shared a go kart with my brother that I truly enjoyed riding every time I was at his house. We also had Bebe guns of our own to play with. He lived in the country so we had lots of room to run around and play in. Every time I got to my grandmother’s house, my first few questions included asking my grandmother where was my dad. He placed me on his checking account to show me how to write checks and how to balance a check book. Once I got to college, he encouraged me to get my own checking account. I will forever cherish these moments.

I preceded this blog with a quick excerpt of what I enjoyed with my dad to preface it to say these were some special moments for me and to express how important a dad is in the life of a little girl. Let’s start by unraveling the role of a father. He is the head of the house. He creates order in a family. He leads his family to Christ. He teaches his family about Christ. He ensures they are in a church that exemplifies their values, goals and beliefs according to the word. He creates structure and balance. He leaves an inheritance for his children’s children and for generations to come. He is the example of God in his house. Just as Yahweh is the head of all living things; so is the husband the head of the wife and the kids.

The next role of a father is to provide security. This security does not mean physical security alone but to also provide emotional and financial security. The father also creates balance here as well. He is the provider of the house. A man that does not work, does not eat. The dad provides emotional security in letting the daughter know that she is safe with him with her feelings. This creates emotional balance. A daughter should feel loved from her dad. He should affirm her who she is in Christ. He is not only to tell her he love her but he shows her that he love her by spending quality time with her, going on dates, taking the time to listen to her when she talks, supports her school activities, etc. He disciplines in love and not abuse. Fathers are not to provoke their kids to wrath. He sets the boundaries in which they are to follow. As a young girl, you yearn for the love of a man that makes you feel secure and it shapes your worldview of men.

A father also serves his family with humility. He goes to work on a daily basis but he is still willing to come home and serve his wife and his children. For example, a daughter needs to see her dad tell his wife he love her. He should show affection towards his wife in front of their daughter. His daughter should see him buying her mom gifts, running her bath water, opening and closing the door for her, etc. He should also serve his daughter from time to time. This action shows a daughter how she should be treated.

A father gives his daughter her first date, her first car, her first ring, becomes her first love, and gives her away on her wedding day. Not every father may provide all of these options but he should provide her with the security she needs to survive in life. In other words he is the provider and example of what a husband should be to her. He paints the picture of what she will accept in a man in her adult life.

If a father provides those roles above; imagine the yearning a little girl leading up to adulthood is missing out on as she grows and matures to a healthy whole adult. Yahweh created male and female to reproduce by being fruitful and multiplying and subduing, ruling the earth. It is in the balance of male and female that a child will understand the difference between the two. A mom nurtures emotionally and a dad is stern in his nurture and care for the child. Together they create balance for a little girl. She will understand the structure and roles of a home through the leadership of her mom and dad. A mom can do her daughters hair beautifully but it is not justified if dad has not approved it.

Fast forward to adulthood and dating/courting. A fatherless Woman is sometimes unsure of her worth or even knows who she is. She accepts love from all the wrong places or even dates/courts a man that reminds her of dad even if the love shown was dysfunctional. Not knowing who you are opens the door to being abused, mistreated, and unloveable! Because he was not there to see you grow up and assist with the development of your growth; you lost the opportunity to receive love correctly.

A fatherless woman deals with the spirit of rejection. The fear of losing someone or not being enough for someone. She may not know or want to receive affection from her husband due to lack thereof from her dad. She may have trust issues and she may also accept whatever is provided from a man due to yearning for a father.

When a father is absent from his daughter’s life, he creates a void that only Yahweh can fill when she becomes an adult and sometimes it is hard to trust a dad you have never seen since your dad in the flesh was never there. It takes time and discipline to let Yahweh heal your heart and fill it with love, affection and identity. Women it is not totally your fault that you don’t know who you are. It is your father that calls you who you are and sets the stage for you to follow when accepting a man as your husband.

A fatherless woman does the following to heal:

• Acknowledge the pain.
• Take time to heal.
• Establish a relationship with Yahweh.
• Connect with other women that have overcome the hurt of not having their father present in their life.
• Allow God to restore you before entering a relationship.
• Identify who you are in Christ.
• Now rise above rejection, dysfunctional love, and the need to want to be loved by someone who doesn’t love you back and seek Yahweh for functional love that is unconditional.